"Hollywood Squares" (DOS)

Very fun game based on the John Davidson version of "Hollywood Squares." The answers from the celebrities are classic and hilarious.

Never have I thought playing a nice game of tic-tac-toe could be so exhilarating and so hilarious. Sad that I haven't shook the hands of producers that originally created this game show concept. I would do the same to the late, great Gene Rayburn who made Match Game into comedy-filled fun!



At the very least, you probably watched Tom Bergeron's version of Hollywood Squares. If not, then I would guess you have harkened back during the Paul Lynde days and saw the Peter Marshall version (at one time was re-aired on the Game Show Network). No bell ringing? I understand because this DOS game was released as a homage to the late-eighties' version of the Squares: hosted by Jon Bauman. Game Show historians/geeks will tell you that there was a television network attempt to produce a one-hour game show special they called The Match Game-Hollywood Squares Hour. Don't fret if you've never sought of such attempt; I too thought it was too ambitious. Mr. Gene Rayburn himself, hosting the Match Game part, admitted he didn't work well with Jon Bauman, who hosted the Hollywood Squares part. When Game Show Network wanted to broadcast the series, Rayburn requested the network to turn down doing so. Having watched a couple of episodes on YouTube, thanks to third-party uploaders, a few game show fans were right: Rayburn wasn't himself and appeared a bit grumpy and time-strickened, not able to re-inject the silliness he used to do during his tenure since 1973. It wasn't until the late nineties when Hollywood Squares came back, along with a package of other shows that didn't take off as much such as To Tell The Truth, Bzzz!, Match Game (hosted by Michael Burger) and that awful revival of Card Sharks. With Tom Bergeron and center square celebrity Whoopi Goldberg, along with comedy writer Bruce Vilanch, I couldn't have had it better. Up until Game Show Network aired Peter Marshall's version that was also quite good, I grew up with Bergeron's version. Still, it had to start with someone.



Hope that little game show history knowledge which I happily enjoyed writing and sharing gave you a little insight at my underrated appreciation for this game show. Even though the box art tells me this is the Bauman version, I still wanted to play it as a kid. I will admit though: the bonus round trying the key to the car to see if you win is quite cool. Nevertheless, this game show helped me discover celebrities/public figures I grew to know, respect and/or admire such as Cindy Crawford, Caroline Rhey, Sarah Silverman, Gilbert Gottfried, George Wallace and so much more. Nevertheless, whichever host you grew up with, you can imagine their voices reading the questions to the celebrities and waiting for that hilarious punchline/reactions you know you'll get a kick out of. With the advent of today's celebrities taking over the magazines, TV, online articles, newspapers and various other mediums, one can only imagine what their true intelligence is like, and/or how funny they actually are. Oh, and not just celebrities, but athletes as well, let alone other public figures. If the show makes a comeback, will we see internet celebrities featured here?


Secret Square round! Remember those?

As you can tell, this game was programmed in a simple manner. Not too much animation, but the questions and the hilarious reactions of the celebrities make up for it. Oh, and the celebrities? No one famous, so it's very much a mash-up of random names with intricate characteristics. Still, all nine of them have a hilarious reactions to questions given to them, and it's hard not to smile over it. The celebrity names are as follows: Dozo, Rita, Joe, Rob, Dale, Pam, Beth, Sue, Alex. I have not found a distinction over who is the funnier one, nor have I found one who provides the most correct answers. Thinking it'd be Dale, who's the center square, it's all a matter of educated guessing—agreeing or disagreeing—or general knowledge. I'll just bet there are questions here you've never heard about, and may learn something new. When playing with a computer opponent, you always go against "Microkid." I don't recall an instance when I played against another computer opponent besides Microkid. Defeat him with the most amount of money won from the rounds won and you get a shot at winning a car!



Now that you defeated Microkid, which should be a sigh of relief to you, now is your chance at a brand new car! There are five choices numerically numbered in the following order: Sports Car, Luxury Sedan, Station Wagon, Convertible and 4-Wheel Drive. Your natural instinct is to go for #1 or #2; Depending on your taste, you'd likely go for #4 as well. The Luxury Sedan is the most expensive and can give you a big score on the "High Scores" list. Whichever car you choose, then a little test-like noise repeatedly plays for about 30 seconds. After that annoying asterisk is done scrolling and flashing up and down, you determine whether you won the car or if the key didn't fit. If it didn't fit, you don't win the car. Because of my high interest in software development (computer programming), I feel that the Bonus Round is one of those programs students first develop either during their computer science courses or develop after graduating with a computer science degree. It was that simply made so a good stash of imagination is required there. Anyway, whether you won the car or not, the game loops and goes back to the title screen.



A very simple game program yet it works and is a lot of fun. Sometimes less is more and this neat game is no exception. It would've been nice to have a little more going on in the Bonus Round, but nevertheless, this game and the jokes alone make up majority of the software. In that case, I leave you with these hilarious reactions I read all throughout the game. Aspiring comedy writers and stand-up comics, here you go!

Question: We know that a centaur is part-horse and part-man. Which part is like a horse?
Dale: The good part...

Question: Reagan had a Bush...Carter had a Mondale...what did Nixon have?
Rob: A Sony...

Question: When a person is held against his will, he's been kidnapped. When a sailor is held against his will and forced to work on a ship, he's been what?
Dozo: A guest star on "The Love Boat"...

Question: Is there a difference between a carpet and a rug?
Alex: Yes. Howard Cosell would never wear a carpet...

Question: Every baby has a soft spot on his/her head. Why?
Dale: To watch game shows...

Question: According to experts, if your younger sister is constantly playing with your things, what does that probably mean?
Beth: She's probably not your sister...

Question: What can gain as much as 200 pounds in one day?
Rita: A woman on cruise ship...

Question: Some early writers used the secretion of cuttle fish to make it; other use oak-gall, hawthorn bark and even wine. To make what?
Sue: A decent game show question?

Question: True or false? There is now a bicycle that can go up to 65 miles per hour.
Alex: But only when strapped to a Corvette...

Question: According to the National Sporting Goods Association, what is the most popular exercise among senior citizens?
Dozo: Waking up!

Question: In the "Bible," what rides in on a horse that is very pale?
Rob: The Lone Raaaaaanger...

Question: True or false? According to the "World Book Encyclopedia," it is estimated that termites cause as much property damage each year in the U.S. as fire does.
Rob: Is "termite" a scientific name for the household dog?



Question: According to the "Old Testament," who actually game Samson his haircut?
Pam: His Philistine recruiting sergeant...

Question: When is the best time to apply an antiperspirant?
Joe: After you finish dessert...

Question: You are having problems with "floaters." According to the family doctor, who should you see: an eye doctor, a foot doctor or a psychiatrist?
Dale: A plumber...

Question: According to the "World Book," do most teenagers prefer the company of their friends or the company of their parents?
Beth: The company of their parents... if the company's worth over a million!

Question: The Census Bureau reports that more and more people are moving. What reason do they give?
Joe: No hot water...

Question: According to top modeling agent Nina Blanchard, don't even think about trying to become a model unless you are at least five foot ... what?
Dale: Wide...

Question: When Queen Elizabeth went to China recently, she took 3 tons of it with her. What was it?
Alex: Beer nuts...

Question: According to "Pediatrics" magazine, what's the best method for putting an end to a child sucking his thumb?
Dozo: Wrap spinach around it...

Question: The U.S. Department of Labor estimates that 50 to 75 percent of jobs available to the next generation will involve ... what?
Sue: Getting out of bed?

Question: More and more dentists are heating their Novocaine. Why?
Joe: Because it causes you more pain...

Question: On your body right now, where will you find an upper, a filler, and a welt?
Pam: Can you see them from there?

Question: You've just spilled red wine on the carpet. What will happen if you pour white wine on the stain?
Rita: I'll have a very grateful carpet...

Question: Most child-rearing experts agree, the ideal spacing between children is what?
Dale: About two city blocks...

Question: On the average, you and your spouse make love bi-weekly. How often is that?
Rob: Every other V-J Day...

Question: A survey of retailing organizations shows that 42% of all goods stolen from stores are taken by whom?
Alex: People with the largest shopping bags?

Question: According to sailors' folklore, where Davy Jones' locker?
Beth: You can't miss it. It's the one with the old sweat socks...

Question: In the Disney classic, "Sleeping Beauty," she wakes up after the Prince kisses her. Does she say anything?
Dozo: How was it for you?

Question: True or false? In mythology, the daughters of King Midas were known as "The Golden Girls."
Dale: I thought they were the Gabor sisters.

Question: Why did British miners take canaries with them into the mines?
Alex: For snacks?

Question: Some Indians called him "Long Hair." Others called him "Yellow Hair." What did most everyone call him?
Sue: Rob Stewart!

Question: They are extremely blood-thirsty, travel in groups, and have been known to tear the flesh off skeletons of animals and people in just a few minutes. What are they?
Rita: Divorce lawyers...

Question: 11 percent of all Americans said it was the greatest invention of all time. What is it?
Dale: The waterbed?

Question: According to the "Old Testament," Jonah lived in the belly of a whale for three days. What made the whale spit him out?
Alex: Whales simply cannot eat Kosher food!

Question: According to "Folk Medicine," the number-one cause of puffiness, particularly in the face, is...what?
Dozo: Corn should best be popped before you eat it...

Question: True or false? In mythology, the daughters of King Midas were known as "The Golden Girls."
Dale: I thought they were the Gabor sisters.

Question: Yawl, dinghy and skiff are all...what?
Rob: Cousins of Muammar Ghaddafi...

Question: According to scientists, originally it came from ultra-violet rays mixing with ammonia, nitrogen, methane and water vapor to form a primordial liquid. What do we call it today?
Dale: "Cup-a-Soup"...

Question: True or false? According to the "World Book," at the Coliseum in Ancient Rome, winning gladiators often participated in a game remarkably similar to "The Dating Game."
Pam: It was called "Kiss My Chariot."

Question: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John are the four men who wrote...what?
Dale: Fan letters to Chuck Woolery...

Question: Elizabeth Taylor has had chronic back problems for many years. She thinks it all started when she took a bad fall while working on...what?
Alex: Eddie Fisher...

Question: According to "Fortune" magazine, what was the hottest-selling toy fad of 1986?
Rita: Scale-model airplane parts...which you can sell to Iran...

Question: When you are in Rome, Italy, it is customary to throw coins into the Fountain at Trevi. Why?
Sue: The Italian government needs the money...

Question: According to "American Health" magazine, is it ever a good idea to put oatmeal in your shoes?
Sue: Yes, if you like to eat breakfast on the run...

Question: Are carrots really good for your eyes?
Beth: Glasses usually provide a more appropriate solution...

Question: "Webster's Dictionary" defines it as "An automatic apparatus that ordinarily performs human functions and operates at what appears to be almost human intelligence." What?
Dale: The cashier at 7-Eleven...

Question: James Brown is "The Godfather"; Elvis Presley was "The King." Who is "The Killer"?
Dale: Ayotollah Khomeini...

Question: Fashion experts tell us that if you go around showing off the chic designer labels on your clothes, it really is a sign of ... what?
Alex: Unlimited funds?

Question: A great old Duke Ellington standard tells us "The fastest way to get to Harlem" is what?
Rob: In a police ambulance...

Question: According to "Redbook," there are several signals that could warn you of a marriage in trouble. The first is when you no longer do what together?
Sue: Live together?

Question: Leading exercise experts agree, before beginning a serious exercise program, the first thing you should always do is what?
Beth: Up your life insurance...

Question: According to "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland," besides grinning all the time, the Cheshire Car could do something else that made him unique. What?
Joe: He could empty his own litterbox...

Question: According to "Self" magazine, is giving in to your partner a good way to keep a relationship going?
Pam: Only if the gun is loaded!

Question: You are spread across a withering pack and air blown to remove excess wetness, rushed, locked in a fermenting room, and left to dry out in an oven. What are you now?
Pam: The victim of an IRS audit?

Question: In sports, it used to be called the "broad jump." What do they call it now?
Rita: A singles bar...

Question: In a British restaurant, what should you expect to get when you ask for a "banger"?
Alex: The phone number of the local hit man!

Question: According to the book "Money Talks," how is Richard Nixon's signature worth: $50, $500 or $5,000?
Sue: Do you mean on one of his 18 missing blank checks?

Question: One third of all the ice cream sold in America today is ... what?
Rita: In my freezer...

Question: True or false? The Miami Indians settled in Miami Beach and built large, elaborate wigwams for other Indians to stay in while they were visiting.
Pam: Oh, yes! They were called condominiwams!

Question: An experienced spelunker will always explore it in groups, but will never take anything. What do spelunkers explore?
Joe: Shopping malls...

Question: According to the book "Do's and Taboos Around the World," which contains tips to tourists abroad, what does the mean when an Arab grabs your hand?
Dale: He's got a watch to sell you

Kris Caballero

Founder of KCU Network and KCU Plus, Kris has been writing since he managed a personal blog made back in late 2005. Officially back to doing computer programming (software development) and video production, Kris enjoys reading books on Mathematics, Quantum Computing, Philosophy, playing old video/DOS games, digital video archiving, and listening to sports, public radio and classical music.

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