On Living Without Friends

(It pains me to write this, but I'm hoping the message said here informs as much people as possible.)

As you grow up, you learn that family can't be replaced. This goes the same about the person you're wholly in love with, if you're in a relationship. However, it seems that we take our friendships for granted, though when we lose them, it's often for good reason. Then again, things happen that are beyond your control and it's worse when it involves someone else. In another circumstance, some folks have been living well without the "requirement" of keeping in touch with those they see fit. This begs the question: Is it bad to live without friends? Some people don't think so.

Before it was considered "cool," I've been a big introvert my whole life. It wasn't until I held a job which required talking to and greeting people that helped boost my confidence—a job I didn't hold until acquiring it back in 2015 (yes, it was that recent, meaning it took over 20 years of my life to work on and get over my shyness). Granted, I never considered myself a shy person, I just didn't like wasting time with people I never blended with. Even so, I never forced myself to socialize just to feel some sort of acceptance and/or self-confidence. Throughout my school career, I've attended only two dances: Homecoming 2004 and Prom 2005. I also spent my high school senior year trying to go out more, just to see how it was like before making an overall judgement. No matter how much and hard I tried socializing, I'd go home into my bedroom feeling mentally exhausted. I'd look at my VHS tapes, DVDs, computer and my other belongings in sorrow, feeling like I neglected them—as silly as that sounds. Why would I say such thing? They may inanimate objects but...they never put me down. They never ask me for answers to questions I don't have, they don't make me feel bad for the music I love, the content I watch nor the food I enjoy eating. The downside to all this is when the going gets tough, there's no one around to listen to my struggles nor to help me up if and when I need it. This makes it seem like a rough life to live, but up until today, I believed it was the people I surrounded myself with—some good, some terrible. There's nothing worse than hanging with and/or knowing someone who makes you feel bad about who you are, what you believe in and the life decisions you have made. That's something I never understood: People are people, so why should we make them feel awful about themselves, their beliefs and anything that makes them who they are? Are people that insecure?

Nowadays, our connections with people is losing meaning. For me, I've never felt so separated and divided from the folks whom I thought were my friends. It's a different kind of rejection, and the type that eats you alive, compared to getting fired from your job or a breakup. Friendship with someone means you share a similar mindset and qualities as the other person, so when your connection ends, it's like you lost a large piece of yourself (it could be said with relationships as well). From my experience, I go through a phase of heavy thinking: Were they my friends to begin with? If the answer is no, which, in my case, usually is, then I realized why I spent my whole time "pretending." In other words, that would mean I'm also at fault too. When I think about it, nothing screams DIFFICULT in my ears than setting boundaries. You see, growing up, people feel secure when I lend an ear and go along with what they like, what they believe and so on. However, whenever I express myself, and/or set boundaries, suddenly I'm considered selfish, arrogant and full of myself. (If you're wondering, I was born and raised in Los Angeles, California.) Had that I garnered back that time I spent with so-called "friends," I'd wonder how much progress I was able to make for myself and this website, or whatever goals I need to work on.

If I'm being honest, this website is my final resort and is my platform to share my talents, my art, my skills and myself overall. Currently in my mid-thirties writing this, my friends circle has dwindled slowly; The only people left in my life are my family and my girlfriend. Some of my friendships ended abruptly, some ended without any reason, some ended because of my tastes, and lately, because of my personal beliefs, medical history, views and other controversial topics. I mean, if this is how it's meant to be, especially with this life that I signed up for before I was born, then I can't really complain. I've said this before, but it bears repeating again:

Sometimes, it's not always Life. It's other people who are liable to make things unfair for you.

Kris Caballero

For those who are new here, I composed that very quote back in 2009, and have been sharing this simple quote of mine for a while since. For those going through an unfair situation, I hope you remain strong. You'll get through it.

No question that times are unusual today, but sadly, the negative effects that this all has caused caught up to me. It was the whole reason I'm writing this blog post because it must be discussed and shared out there. Will things ever be back to normal 100%? Hard to say, but damages has been done so it won't feel like the full 100%. In this case, I'm not sure if friendships with rekindle back for me because of all that happened. Despite all the unnecessary arguments, I'm now facing my fate. Not sure if anyone is going through the same, but...this is it, huh? Here we are, and it doesn't feel natural though we'll eventually get used to it. Whether that's a good or a bad thing depends who you ask. Nevertheless, it's been painful and difficult. I've never felt so rejected and discriminated against for who I am, what I'm about and everything that makes me who I am. Everything that was reported and shown to us, both on TV and online, really had a major effect didn't it? I never would imagine, but it's saddening.

Perhaps this is the new normal (I really don't want to say so, but what more can we do?). Living life without friends is a huge adjustment, which means I've got to stay within my own limits. I think it'll help save me money, time and best of all, drama and unnecessary arguments. I don't need to put my guard up nor do I have to stress over someone's insecurities; I don't need to resolve other people's problems when they know they won't do the same. I hate using the word, but "goodbye" never seemed more appropriate. It's unexpected but that's the price you pay for Reality: It doesn't play kindly. Given all this, it's normal to gaze up at the Heavens and seek for some kind of help. I mean, for someone who grew up being "forced" to get along with classmates and people in general, all this gradual loss has gotten me to find more of myself that I probably was never able to sense, had it not been for this sense of loss. It's very tough, folks.

Granted, anyone reading this would simply say, "Kris, bro, just change your phone number and get it over with, dude." I'd like to think I'm a strong person, but some happenings hurt so much it's hard to bottle in. Holding in negative/depressing energy will not only make you crazy, but it's also unhealthy. I've spoken about this situation with a couple of folks, including my girlfriend, but nevertheless, whether it's myself, the goings-on in the world or the unpleasant changes that people underwent, thanks to the pandemic, has done enough for me, personally. Sure, I could also say my girlfriend has qualities of a best friend, but what I'm getting at are friends whom you've grown up with, bonded quickly with, and/or clicked with someone who fully understood you as you understood them as well. Everyone's situation living a friend-less life is different, but knowing and accepted the fact that my friend circle was dwindling, it hit me when a long-time friend calls it quits because I'm not following his lead—something he almost never gets me to do ever since. Oh yes, people change, as I did myself, but however, some changes in others are more drastic than others. Whether someone has changed for the good or the bad rests solely on the individual themselves, so it's tough to tell. All I know is, a [best] friend is someone who matches with your puzzle piece and completing a picture that only both of you can see and understand and also incomprehensible to others. If you asked me personally, I'd think the quality of friendships declined since the birth of social media. Now, yes, some friendships, and even marriages, have developed for the good, thanks to being found on the internet. However, in some particular circumstances, situations and whatnot, some of us weren't so lucky. It's like winning the lottery, only to find out that due to federal and state taxes, you'll barely get half of what you won: Some things are beyond our control, but the realization of it hits you in a way you never expected nor dealt with.

I'm not denying the beauty of a serious, romantic relationship, since that in itself feels like you have a hybrid of someone you love and someone you can go to for help. Again, I'm talking about an actual friend—a "BFF," if you will. They know who you are and have seen you struggle, but they know the course of action to get you up and running again. I'm the same way, in the case they're struggling and feeling down because I've been been in the bottom before, and it sucks. To see all this friendship collapse, grounded on good times, support and the sharing of similar hobbies and interests, is something many people shouldn't experience.

When I searched about living without friends on Google, I was surprised by how many forums, websites and blog posts talking about it. In my case, it wasn't death or anything morbid, just an abrupt, mishandled end to some solid friendships I've made along the way. Some were justified, some struck me so hard I crumbled down to my hands and knees. It hurts in a way that's unimaginable. Since society mocks and desensitizes "lone wolves," a label I personally don't like nor would I describe myself as, their stories tell something different. As mentioned earlier, I tried, ladies and gentlemen, I literally tried. It just isn't who I am nor what I like. Does that put the blame on my parents in how they raised me? Absolutely not. I was so fascinated with TV shows, video games and books, then later, music, sports and casinos, that it was difficult to befriend someone of similar interests, or at least in particular. Nevertheless, I enjoy...what I like; I love learning what I find fun (i.e. Geology, Meteorology) and searching for knowledge that will uplift my mind and soul. In school, being an outlier was tough because school districts encourage "togetherness" and conformity, and placeed less attention to those who were bullied and picked on for being different. I don't know if that's changed today, but it was very difficult during my time. Psychologists/Psychiatrists were not joking: All that school trauma lingers for the rest of our lives. With that said, I can see why certain people feel unconfortable making friends because of all the unnecessary pain they've underwent.

To those living your life without friends, or are suddenly about to: Stay strong, stand strong. You probably know yourself better than anyone else, and the fact that drama happening elsewhere, not involving you, is another reason why you can do what you want to do. You're living, and that by itself is a luxury. Let's not bring up your job status, residence and other stuff, you're living currently, and there's a lot of life to learn, live and experience. You can do whatever it is you want, assuming it isn't illegal or life-threatening to you nor to others, and you can do so without the uptight judgement and unwarranted criticism from other people. When you think about it, you know how to be yourself—something billions of people are currently struggling to be. Forget all these naive quotes about "being youself" and such, because many people still don't know how and what it is about themselves that they love or admire. Unfortunately, all that gets confused and conflicted with self-centeredness and/or narcissism. Overall, you shouldn't feel bad about yourselves about not having friends. You've found peace and know what being yourself entails, and that's perhaps the biggest challenge with everyone today (that includes people who are famous, athletes, and many other public figures).

You're wondering, "what about you, Kris?" Well, I feel less constrained and less pressured. I've just watched an old DVD recording of a documentary talking about geological history, which served me as a reminder to venture out and take in the opportunity to embrace and get to know Mother Earth. Mother Nature is another one I recommend: She doesn't judge nor criticize you for you. She doesn't discriminate nor pressure you to do something you don't want to. She's always available and She's beautiful, so I highly recommend taking in any Earth sciences, to anyone out there. I've taken a Geology class in college before, and I think it'll be fun to expand my knowledge further. People may reject you for selfish reason, even if they accuse you of being selfish yourself. However, Mother Nature is and will always be there. While you're alive, She makes sure you never lose an opportunity to get to see and know Her. (Yeah, I would totally recommend such subject for those living without the aid of friends.)

It's a different but tough life to adjust to, but it can be done. After all the negativity you've dealt with, you'll now be thankful to be where you're currently at. Because you know yourself well, you now realized how far you are compared to everyone else. Keep building yourself, mentally and spiritually. I think you're going to be just fine.

This is Kris speaking for Food For The Saints.

Kris Caballero

Founder of KCU Network and KCU Plus, Kris has been writing since he started blogging in late 2005. Officially back to doing computer programming, Kris enjoys reading books on Mathematics, Quantum Computing, Philosophy, plus playing old video/MS-DOS games, digital video archiving, listening to sports, public radio and classical music.

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